My Letter Series – Dear Rahul Baba, the Potato-Gold Converter is ready

You’re definitely not as dumb as Obama says!

Rahul Baba, it has been a while since anybody communicated with you, since that bad man Barak Obama said all those nasty things about you. To equate you, a youth icon (even at 50) to a student is ridiculous! How can he explain this as well as the intellectual difference(s)? Err, I mean the intellectual level you are at as opposed to students who are, collectively, at such a low level?

People question you about the potato-gold converter!! That bad man, Narendra Modi, seems to think you’re a joke! To say you’re dumb as a door nail is an insult…the door nail can’t think of potato-gold converters! Stroke of genius, Baba! You’re a genius! converting what’s ₹10/ kilogram to something that is over ₹5,000,000/ kilogram is brilliant. That’s a growth rate of over 500,000 times!!! Can any of the investment companies show that kind of growth!! How we convert this is a simple case of sending cooked potatoes and tomatoes (in the form of a curry) to a country that is starving at the moment! Yes, Pakistan! We send food to them and in return they vote for the Indian National Congress in Pakistan, but we need to rename the party as Pakistan National Congress. Where food is so expensive that people can buy it only by the ounce, we provide it free! We charge a nominal ₹10/roti and the price decreases as the number of people in the family increases. So, if a family has 8 people (husband, wife, 4 kids and parents which is less than the national average of 14) they would need 32 rotis per day or, in terms of money, ₹320/day. If the family is closer to the average, we charge ₹7.50 per roti.

Mamma would be happy…why not! After all she gets to see her favorite son rule Pakistan! No Rahul, stay with me on this one! Imran is NOT her son!!

Let’s assume each person needs 4 rotis a day, that’s ₹30/ person/ day. Take 12 people in a family, that’s ₹360/day. If we feed 20 million people 4 rotis a day, we’d end up making ₹600 million! That’s just in 1 day!!! Annually, that’s over ₹200 Billion or $2.7 billion! At $2025/ bar of gold, we have over 1.3 million bars of gold!

Can the Prime Minister of India show this kind of growth? Our total earnings on this can be (mis)appropriated by our good friend PC. He’s done this before and can still do so. Showing profits is not difficult, but showing losses requires PC’s genius! He hasn’t paid taxes on any of his investments so we have to assume they were all losses, even those where he put up money for Karthi’s insane, I mean, genius ideas, like investing anywhere outside India!

Did you just ask me what our investment would be? You’re definitely not as dumb as Obama says! To answer your question, ₹0.00! Yep, we ask Jiju to take over the potato belt in India, and then we start bilking the farmers. He doesn’t have to move to Pakistan…in fact, we should insist that he stay back in India! We’d strike a deal with him and it would look like we have friendly peaceful relations with India. Guess who could end up with the Nobel Peace Prize! Yes, my genius friend, you!!! All by just moving to Pakistan!!! Think about it my friend!! That should show Obama, strutting around like he’s the only one with a Nobel Peace Prize!!!

Mamma would be happy…why not! After all she gets to see her favorite son rule Pakistan! No Rahul, stay with me on this one! Imran is NOT her son!! Yes, I know I said rule Pakistan but…you know what, ask our good friend Surjewala to explain this in a way you can understand!!

Rahul Baba, think about the big picture! Think about you being the first in your family to get the Nishan-e-Pakistan! Can anyone claim that award? So many people in your family have the Bharat Ratna, it’s lost its impact! But Nishan-e-Pakistan is yours and yours only! All we need to do is move our base to Pakistan! What do you think, Rahul Baba?

Talk to Mamma and convince her. There’s nothing left in India! In addition, that PM is gunning for us and all the money we so honestly made! We will still keep that money. We can ask PC to move with us! Aiyer already has roots in Islamabad. We can make the very talkative MMS our media spokesperson. None of our secrets would be divulged to the media. Infact he would probably have forgotten and would repeat the words that made him famous in India: Mainū kujha nahī patā.

The one person we can NOT DO without, would be Tharoor! Most ministers in Pakistan speak English with a Punjabi accent! He will be the first guy that will speak with an accent that even the British dream of! He could be our Foreign Minister! Most people in the English speaking countries would have a hard time understanding him and his amazing vocabulary ! They would agree to whatever he says without thinking! Which one of them wants to be seen as lesser than Tharoor in their knowledge of English? We could be BIG in Pakistan, even bigger than in India. What say, Rahul Baba?

जय श्रीराम। जय सीयाराम। उत्तिष्ठ भारत। जय माँ भारती

God Bless the USA.

Note:
1. The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of PGurus.