My New Letter Series – Dear Immi, The Long March Was Successful!!

Immi, you were brave enough to tell the doctors to “not use any anesthesia” and while the doctors were “busy” removing the bullets, you were busy telling people to not accuse anyone

Kumar Sridhar

December 6, 2022

Immi, you were brave enough to tell the doctors to “not use any anesthesia” and while the doctors were “busy” removing the bullets, you were busy telling people to not accuse anyone

Dear Immi,

So, you called a Long Walk! No harm in that! After all, at your age, a long walk is from your door to the mailbox at the end of the driveway! The younger guys thought this was from one end of your highly esteemed country to the southern tip!! The idea was then changed to walk from Khyber Pakhtunkwa (a tongue twister, if ever there was one, for all esteemed citizens of your country, thus prompting all y’all to call it KPK). After all, we couldn’t afford to look old, could we? As a result, you agreed to this! You basically promised, “an island in paradise, while you had nothing in your pocket.”

Then some genius decided that all y’all would include pitstops in whatever areas came en route. Not a bad idea but it also meant food issues with people really not knowing what to eat and where to eat! Understandable, since food, currently is available in abundance, and the incredible plethora of five-star restaurants to make your pitstops was also overwhelming!

More than a million people (3000-4000 people according to your haters) followed you during this long March, till you “got shot”! Then, the actual fun started! You were brave enough to tell the doctors to “not use any anesthesia” and while the doctors were “busy” removing the bullets, you were busy telling people to not accuse anyone, not destroy public property and not hurt civilians!! That took a lot of guts!! Show me one person, Pakistani or otherwise, who’d have the guts to do what you did!! The courage and the stones that you have is something people should admire! This is a bigger deal than the ONLY World Cup that your country won (in the ODIs anyway). People, your admirers like this insignificant writer, will always be supportive of your bravery during this very difficult time! For some reason, Indians believe you’re the best option for India’s future! I mean, you are not even from India! Why would someone like Major Arya say that you have achieved more in 4 years than India has achieved in 75 years”!! Something to be proud of, Immi, even if it was about causing damage to your own esteemed country.

Anyways, movin’ on, other people “allege” that you had this whole thing orchestrated! This is the most ridiculous argument one can place! Why would I want to have my body perforated when I want to BRING my people and country into the top 5 of economies (that too within 1 year of being “re-elected”) worldwide! Never has your country been in the top 10, leave alone the top 5!!

A question, however, has been on top of people’s minds: why did you choose to go to your own hospital (Shaukat Khanum Cancer Hospital in Islamabad) rather than one of those close by? I mean, who flies to a cancer hospital quite a distance away to get treated for bullet wounds, one curious person wanted to know!! One of the senators, Ejaz Chowdhary, from your own party had apparently warned you of this “planned” attack but you didn’t seem to be too worried! I probably wouldn’t be too worried (but then again, I’d probably be defecating in my pants, given I’m not as brave as you are) if I knew the Hakeems at my favorite hospital were the best a PKR (Pakistani Rupee) could buy!!

The people that died didn’t have any autopsy done!! Think about it, Immi! No autopsy! I understand why, but people don’t! It’s only because WE WERE DEFINITE that ALL the bullets came from the SAME कट्टा (gun)! Oops, sorry, I forgot you don’t know Hindi! But then, people in your country (too many) claim you don’t even know Urdu! Understandable, since Urdu is a Hindu language, and god knows what these Hindus were smoking when they came up with this language! Nothing like what you smoked, but moving on!! Why would we want an autopsy of a body when we already know the person who shot them and we have the gun confiscated?

What, and I repeat are being asked by the nasty reporters from your esteemed country, was the reasoning behind NOT having bulletproofing put around you? I mean, a globally inconsequential and insignificant “leader” like Narendra Modi walks, rides, and talks behind bulletproofed glass!! I mean, seriously, what has Modi done other than steal your ideas, like your idea of “Make in Pakistan” which he stole and called “Make in India”? You’d come up with a catch name “Kahan Banana, Idhar Banana”. Unfortunately, the word “banana” was taken as the English word. I can understand the embarrassment caused when buses around your esteemed country proudly displayed, “Kahan Kela, Idhar Kela”.

This was because you’d written the message in English, and your lieutenant handed this off to his second in command, who was another fellow alumni from Oxford. He made a small change (changing banana to kela) and then passed it on to his second in command (till it reached the janitor who, infuriatingly enough, didn’t know English)!! Or maybe he did, and it was all “India ki saazish” (India’s conspiracy). Thus, that major embarrassment! But, did you fire the janitor?? No!! You gave him money to get himself educated in English! Unfortunately, he was educated at the local Madrasa, also called the Pakistan Institute of Technology (PIT). While these are world famous, the only English taught at these institutions are “Yes”, “No” and “The boys’ played well”!! You know where the money probably went, better than I do. Anyways, nothing can be done there till we get the mullahs and Maulanas admission at your Alma Mater, Oxford. Not the Oxford Madrasa in Lahore but the one in the country, run by that Hindu fanatic and RSS-trained Rishi Sunak.

Anyways, we will continue to communicate. Before closing, in regard to your team of people who have been with you through thick and thin, I’m sure you’d agree with what I say: The Boys Played Well.

Note:
1. Text in Blue points to additional data on the topic.
2. The views expressed here are those of the author and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of PGurus.

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